Filmography Worship: Ranking Every Chris Pine Film
Written by Andreas Babiolakis
Filmography Worship is a series where we review every single feature of filmmakers who have made our Wall of Directors (and other greats, or, apparently whoever we feel like that day)
Actors turned directors are a dime a dozen, but the transition is not the simplest one. Enter Chris Pine: the Hollywood darling who has taken the world by storm time and time again. The son of legends Robert Pine (actor) and Gwynne Gilford (also actor), Pine entered the industry at a very young age. He was twenty-four when he starred in the even better Princess Diaries film, Royal Engagement. 2006 was a stacked year for this California native, as he wound up in three classics of noughts cinema: Just My Luck, Blind Dating, and Smokin’ Aces. His career took a bit of a hit in 2009 when he starred as Captain Kirk in J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek remake; many consider this a breakthrough, but I feel like this pigeon-holed Pine. Before, he could have starred in anything. Now, people expected him to always be good. Yikes. That’s a fate no one wants. It’s why Robert De Niro eventually just started making whatever the hell he felt like in the 2000s.
Pine would keep up his prolific career with hit after hit, including the magnificent James Bond spoof This Means War (“what if a Bond girl had two James pining for her, pun intended). There was the monumental sequel Horrible Bosses 2, and the fantasy opus A Wrinkle in Time. I will never forget when Outlaw King opened the Toronto International Film Festival and I knew that cinema was never going to be the same again: opening nights could never outdo this magnificent tale of Robert the Bruce (played by Christopher the Pine). I don’t need to go into some of the less important films like Hell or High Water, Unstoppable, or Into the Spider-Verse, because these are merely blips in a glorious career. I do appreciate films like Wish, Wonder Woman 1984, and Don’t Worry Darling that exemplify his versatility (from charming guy who gets his way, to charming guy who gets his way).
Realistically, however, I think that Pine’s gifts come from the gods above. How can a man this gorgeous, this charismatic, and this born to major actors be capable of such greatness? It amazes me that he seems capable of virtually anything. This is why I am focusing on him and his lengthy career today: because he is one of the good ones — nay, one of the best ones. Chris Pratt? More like Chris Brat (him and that Super Mario Galaxy film). Chris Evans? He couldn’t pick one first name? Also, Evan’s what? That’s what I thought. Chris-topher Walken? He’s not fit enough to be Christopher Sprinting? Now, Chris Pine is where it is at: you cannot find a finer tree than a pine tree.
I cannot stress enough how gifted Pine is. For crying out loud, they have named the cleaning product Pine-Sol after him (I believe it was back in 1937, when the inventor, Michael D. Envanter, prophesied that there would be an actor named Chris Pine who would be the son of two actors; Envanter confused the French word for son with the word for sun — soleil — when he abbreviated his product name to Pine-Sol, but this was a happy accident that we have welcomed ever since).
Like any other master of cinema, Pine has taken on the biggest challenges of the medium — from acting in films, to producing films, to writing a film, to directing a film, and even doing voice actor work; can you remember a time Sir Daniel Day-Lewis ever did voice acting work? Did Sir Daniel Day-Lewis ever even direct a film? No. His son has, however, proving that Ronan Day-Lewis is better than his own dad; and this makes Chris Pine better than Sir Daniel Day-Lewis.
Finally, we look upon the highlights of Pine’s career — when I say finally, I mean not just yet, because I just need to bask in the talents, aura, and piercing blue eyes of this absolute hunk of a man and his indescribable capabilities. I am at a complete loss for words when it comes to Pine’s work. Do you have anything to say? No? See? It’s difficult, isn’t it? There is just too much to say when it comes to Pine’s excellence. Don’t you dare fucking ask me to rely on AI to pad this thing out! That would cheapen my adoration and devotion to Pine and his holiest offspring, Pine-Sol products. I’m a professional, here, not some kind of a chump.
Okay, so, where were we? Ah, yes. Chris Pine and his piercing blue eyes. Do they not remind you of the shiny holographic foil on a First Edition Blastoise Pokémon card from the very first card set? Remember when you were a kid and you got that starter set with Blastoise on it? It went something like this video. How this kid feels about Blastoise is how I feel about Chris Pine, his films, and his blue eyes. Also, Victoria, if you are reading this, we are naming our child Blastoise. It is now in writing. We cannot turn back now. Chris Pine would want this.
On the topic of Chris Pine, has anyone wondered what he would think of this article? Hey, Chris Pine. If you are reading this — and I highly doubt that you are — feel free to hit up the contact information at the top there and drop me a line. Do you watch The Pitt? Isn’t it great? I can’t believe the shit that they get away with on that show, like I did not know that I needed to see that erectile dysfunction sequence in the second episode. What will they think of next? Do you want to star on The Pitt? I don’t have any connections to assist you, but just let me know and I’ll see what I can do (nothing, but I will try my best).
Let’s get back on topic here for a second. Pine has had a very long career. Yep. He is in his forties now by the time I write this Pine manifesto, and he’s been at it since he was in his twenties. Now that I think about it, has it been that long? I mean, longer than me. I was in a commercial once as a kid. This is me: the nerd in the glasses who does that haunting, booming laugh at the poor bastard who slips on chocolate milk and drops his entire lunch tray on himself. This is all that I have done. I do not know the dedication or legacy that it takes to be a Chris Pine. I have now ruined my profession as a film critic by posting this embarrassing footage of me (in braces, too, no less).
So let us celebrate the career of Chris Pine. Here are the feature films directed by Chris Pine ranked from worst to best.
10. Poolman
Realistically, Poolman is Pine’s only film as a director, so it should be the sole top spot. However, it is so fucking bad that I have placed it tenth regardless.
Andreas Babiolakis has a Masters degree in Film and Photography Preservation and Collections Management from Toronto Metropolitan University, as well as a Bachelors degree in Cinema Studies from York University. You would think that he would be smart enough to not want to partake in something as juvenile as April Fools’ Day every year, but here we are.