Written by Andreas Babiolakis

How many times do we have to drink from this same fucking well? The fossil fuels are long gone; they’re bone dry; this well is extinct. There’s only one good Jurassic Park film (and there has only been one), and it is this one and only this one… but maybe this one, too; psych, it’s the same one). Anything else that has come afterward has been a cheap attempt to re-capitalize on a successful property. Look, I love dinosaurs. I was a boy in the nineties. I have a fucking dinosaur tattoo. They are my jam. I am tired of these films. They have all been vapid, tired, uninspired, and typical since the first one. I need some water.

K.

This leads us to Jurassic World Rebirth which is actually one of the stronger films in this series as of late (but that’s not saying much when they’re awful in general). Gareth Edwards (Rogue One, The Creator, 2014’s Godzilla) has always made films that look great but aren’t actually substantive, and Rebirth is no different. I do commend him for always trying new things with each of his films (original or based on existing properties), but what good is trying new things if they amount to zilch? So, yeah. We follow expeditioners who want to extrapolate the DNA of three dinosaurs (who, of course, have been brought back to life at some point given the premises of the ten million Jurassic Fart films over the years); their genetic makeup will prove vital to helping further the research for heart disease. We have a squad of three strong actors: Scarlett Johansson as Zora, Jonathan Bailey as Dr. Henry, and Mahershala Ali as Duncan. They do try their best here, but, like Edwards does, they put so much work into a film that feels like the same-old shtick: humans cannot stop meddling with what they shouldn’t just because they can. Does this include remaking or revisiting a film franchise that has not been beneficial for decades just to see if it’ll work this time? Apparently not.

“Look! We found the dinosaurs! They’re the only things that matter!”

Like any other Edwards film, the effects are quite remarkable which is at least the one thing that a Jurassic Park film should have (believable dinosaurs and other prehistoric beings). If you are able to ignore how derivative the story is or how long its over-two-hour runtime feels, this is a bit of a visual journey; our leads try their best to help us navigate the narrative, but they do feel like over enthusiastic parents trying to ensure their children that Santa Claus is real (the twist is the children are now seventeen). The film is full of many narrative devices and twists that you are meant to love because Steven Spielberg did them (and better) over thirty years ago; that shelf life is still good, right? I don’t want to be too hard on this film because Jurassic World Rebirth is clearly just meant to be a fun time, but is doing the same thing a thousand times considered fun? At least this one wasn’t irritating like the batch of films that came before it, but I still wouldn’t call Jurassic World Rebirth a pass. If the idea of bringing dinosaurs back to life is considered a revelation and innovation, what can be said about a series that does the same thing over and over again? I must be the insane one because these films keep making money. I do not want anyone to go back to the drawing board, here. There should be no drawing boards. The concept of drawing boards should be extinct when it comes to the conversation of Jurassic Park films because they clearly haven’t figured out how to make them matter.

Oh, sorry. This is a review for a Jurassic Park film. Let me respond appropriately.

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Good evening. I am a dinosaur. Thank you for watching this film. Did you know that we have been extinct for millions of years? Dinosaurs no longer exist, but, thanks to these Jurassic Park films, it appears as though they do! That is a testament (what a big word for a big reptile) to the brilliance of the effects artists that bring these beasts to life! However, us dinosaurs are long gone. Including me. You are talking to Ascii art (courtesy of www.asciiart.website). Why are you still listening to me? I am nothing but characters on a screen!

Er, I mean ROAR.

Let us look forward to the seventieth The Fast & the Furious. Do you suppose they will be cool, calm, and collected this time, and that they will forgo vehicular stunts for some good ol’ fashioned dramatic storytelling? Or will they maybe to a whodunnit this time! What a neat idea!

Nah.

They’ll probably just keep making shit explode.

And people will complain that films are no longer good and will refuse to look into and support films that do offer new things, simply because they cannot stop going to exhausted franchises just to see what they’re like the umpteenth time around. Then they complain that the film industry is dying. If only we could bring that back to life like dinosaurs, right?

Roar.

Andreas Babiolakis has a Masters degree in Film and Photography Preservation and Collections Management from Ryerson University, as well as a Bachelors degree in Cinema Studies from York University. His favourite times of year are the Criterion Collection flash sales and the annual Toronto International Film Festival.